Well at least that’s what they tell me you are
You’re better than roller blades or a laptop
You’re better than cookies or pizza
They tell me you’re the greatest gift
But I have trouble comprehending
Like the monster under the bed, unseen
What could possibly make something “The Greatest?”
From the moment, I receive you, I know
You will be hard work, sleep deprivation and responsibility
They tell me you’re the greatest gift
You will also be the smile on my face
You will become my clock
You will become the answer to the question
"How are you?"
"How are you?"
Can it be
That you are the one that is receiving the greatest gift?
The welcome reception that will be held
in your honor by
all those who somehow love
you, the being that does not even exist
Your father
Never retaliating or responding in kind
When I’m on a ship in a never ending
storm
and acting like the pirate captain
Bringing Ginger-ale and crackers
Cracking jokes
to elicit a smile
Bringing Ginger-ale and crackers
Cracking jokes
to elicit a smile
Or my father, who lifts the crippling pressure
As if with the ease
of a man lifting a feather
When in reality
it has the weight of a boulder
Or my mother
Who hugs me through me
the nonsense that I spurt
like a whale coming up for air
Or my friends
The ones who knew
and who suffered through my Mr. Hyde
through the waves coming as frequently as the ocean
So perhaps
You are receiving the greatest gift
You are entering a world of rainbows and butterflies
Because these people won’t let you see the truth
You will only know love
They tell me you're the greatest gift
And my hope is that you only continue
to bring out the greatest gifts
In all of those around you
To my greatest gift
I await you with baited breath
This is absolutely beautiful. The sentiment expressed here feels so genuine and raw and real to read. The only things I would say that could do this piece a service would be to nix or change some lines or words that just seem filler or extra and that the one line "An abstraction as incomprehensible as that" in stands out by its sudden use of large multi-syllabic words. In general this is an utterly beautiful piece
ReplyDeleteI love this poem. It is genuine and heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of abstractions and non-descriptive, bland words like 'better,' but I think they belong in the poem because the speaker is talking to their unborn child, and the language needs to be understandable to a child.
I don't think there should be a comma between "From the moment" and "I receive you".
I loved the simile in "And the nonsense that I spurt/ like a whale coming up for air"- so accurate and original.
Maybe replace "Is it also possible" with a less awkward phrase like "Can it be?"
Should "coming" in "through the waves coming as frequently as the ocean" be replaced with "that come?" I also thought you could use a more descriptive verb than "come."
"who suffered through my Mr. Hyde" - great reference.
Beautiful.
I love that you wrote about this: an ode or a letter to a future child and it's so beautiful. I like the choppy line breaks because it speaks to a train of thought that's developing as it goes. This might be thinking way too far into it, but the way it breaks and reminds me to breathe at the different points makes me think of little breaths and pay attention to my own breathing. I appreciate the abundance of description that remains relatively concise; maybe cutting down some of the direct phrases or extra words could help shape it even more.
ReplyDeleteLike "When I’m feeling as though I’m on a ship in a never ending storm" can just be "When I sail a ship in never ending storm" and accomplish the same image.
This is awesome
The poem is colloquial, but very effective at capturing conflicting thoughts--and becomes unexpectedly--and therefore effectively--tender at times. The speaker has a very strong voice.
ReplyDeleteThe poem seems straightforward, but has clever twists, like "You are entering a world of rainbows and butterflies"--which sounds a bit cliche--until it continues "Because these people won't let you see the truth. You will only know love"--and then we see the cliche is intentional--the speaker realizes that is not how the world is, but it is still how it will be projected to the child...the line is self-aware without being cynical.
The poem is on the prosy side, but I think it works for this poem and for the speaker's voice. Maybe it could do with some more concrete images? Ones that still fit in with the monologue-style writing and the voice of the speaker?
This poem is really beautiful. I love how you started off in a light tone, trying to describe something that you don't really know anything of yet. But slowly, the reader gets a deeper understanding of the speaker who is coming from a world that is not perfect. I loved the way you brought in different characters in the speakers life to paint the picture of what the ultimate birth means.
ReplyDelete"You will also be a bundle of joy" - I'd remove this. It is a little cliche
"You’re better than cookies or pizza" I love this. It shows the innocence of the author.
I loved the ending. It gave me chills. It left it off on a note of hope and nervousness.
Beautiful! I like your reference to the story of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" in the lines:
ReplyDelete"Or my friends
The ones who knew
and who suffered through my Mr. Hyde"
Great parenting certainly does this:
"Because these people won’t let you see the truth
You will only know love" and I like that you make note of this in the poem, because it is so true.
I agree with Shoshy that "You will also be a bundle of joy" is cliché and it is expected.
Very original and heartfelt poem! I enjoy reading it!
ReplyDelete"An abstraction as incomprehensible as that"- This line in itself is kind of abstract and more told. Maybe help us create an image of something that is really incomprehensible and find a way to describe it.
I think "Hold the weight" instead of "it has the weight " would sound better.
I love the last line- very sharp and sums the whole poem up perfectly.
Nice job!
The questions you pose throughout the poem add a sense of genuinely from the author. I also like the choppy line breaks because it is unexpected and helps the reader stop and think.
"You will become all consuming" - because this line comes after the joy one, maybe you can elaborate and explain how this kid would make you happy. Maybe talk about her first chuckle or smile.
"Your father. The kind, considerate wonderful man"- the period is throwing me off. Maybe keep it on its own line or put a coma after after father and maybe you can say "kind & considerate" - 3 adjectives are a bit much.
*Updated 5/6/18
ReplyDelete