Delighted laughter
Dollar! Always a winner!
Oh Man! Not this time
One hour from here
Screams from those who go before
Fasten seatbelt. AAAAAHHHH!
I hate you. Hate you
Eyes widen. Didn't mean that
Sob. It's just a ride
Colors fill the sky
Eyes staring straight up. Boom! Boom!
Vanish in seconds
Eyelids droop, yawning
Balloon animal in hand
Stomach full. Mind awake
This is such a creative idea for a collective of haikus! You are able to transition through multiple emotions and happenings in one day at the carnival. You also have a nice balance of funny poem and for whimsical poems.
ReplyDeleteI like the details you choose to include - balloon animals, the ride, cotton candy. They all make it more real.
These haikus are light and mostly effective. I like them. I especially like the ones that have a cut in the trajectory of the poem, like classical haiku. The cutting word works here in all but the first one. I do not see a cut in that poem. It is all on one trajectory.
ReplyDeleteThe cut in the second one is between the second and third lines, but the final scream reverts back to the energy of the beginning. I like the idea of ending in stasis, with the seatbelt on, waiting in suspense. The reason I like this better is because haiku, being so short, tend to work best with a single cut in the trajectory of the poem.
The third one is my favorite. It perfectly captures the way we talk and exaggerate our feeling with loved ones. This is a loving poem in disguise, and the tone id really well handled.
The fourth poem is about the transience of summer. Fireworks are an implicit metaphor for summer fun. Summer seems to flash by in an instant, like fireworks. This is a good, traditional haiku.
The last poem capture the paradoxical situation of an exhausted child with a still active mind, wishing for more fun at the carnival. It is a nice little snapshot of youth. Good stuff!
The imagery was really successful in these haikus: you were able to take advantage of the way it forces conciseness and precision of language.
ReplyDeleteIn the first, I like the way opening with "delighted laughter" feels: a laugh isn't as cheesy as a smile might be here, much more descriptive. And delighted was a good word, if you had to add an adjective to laughter (not sure you do, or maybe a more surprising one?) But delighted does give over a particularly relatable childlike excitement right for the carnival theme. Though I also didn't find the cutting word shift in this one, I really like the 2 images you use to describe a carnival: the auditory imagery of a carnival booth guy calling out to the buzzing crowd with that phony advertising, and the taste of cotton candy. Maybe instead of "yum", find a more interesting description of cotton candy? Like "sweet pink sugar hair"
In the second, the description of a roller coaster is really cute. "One hour from here" makes me imagine a cardboard sign on the line to the ride, and the seatbelt and "AAAAHHHH" is really cool tactile imagery: I can almost feel my stomach drop. The second line in this haiku "Screams from those who go before" is a little clunky -- any way to change the wording?
The third haiku is super cool because the whole thing accomplishes what a cutting word does in a single haiku: "I hate you. Hate you" is so surprising in what we thought was a string of poems about a carnival. It's like a cutting haiku!
The fourth and fifth really capture the emotions going on beneath the surface: the excitement of colors and boom, eyes transfixed on the sky, exhaustion, rubbery balloon animal trailing behind...I specifically like the ending: "stomach full. mind awake." Love it!
i like how the nature of this series of haikus feels in touch with the original form of haiku in that as much as it doesnt talk about nature directly it talks about a series of scene that seem utterly natural in the modern world and thus brings this ancient form into modern terms whilst keeping its purest qualities in its form and with the cutting word
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the way these haikus came together to create a whole story.The story emerges in short, energy-filled bursts--much like a carnival, with its long lines and gaps wandering around in between bursts of action at the attractions.
ReplyDeleteThe reader gets a picture of a scene which feels complete, even though it is only told in snippets. This is no typical nature haiku. However, it feels just right for its subject matter and perfectly captures the feel of a carnival.
LOVE these haikus! Nature is unfolded in an unconventional way, when you refer to the different stages of a carnival. Very cute and clever concept!
ReplyDeleteThis line "Dollar! Always a winner!" really portrays the image of a young girl approaching a game that needs to be payed for and being responded with that line. Very cute!
I thought the last stanza was a perfect way to end the long, summer day that this girl and her loved one had together , as she sounds satisfied and tired!
Great job!