Today, She broke me.
It wasn’t all at once, like
a muscle slowly atrophying over time. She had inserted a needle and was slowly
draining my blood.
Luckily, ignorance is bliss.
It started on Friday. But that was ok. Like a
thousand bee stings are ok. But it was important for me to hear and important
for me to know and to process. I had realized something was up. Months of icy
silence. She still kept Her commitments to me. That was confusing.
Like a vase kept together with Elmer's, I could have broke then but instead, I waited. I was slightly bruised from a little playground rough housing. Today, Tonight I think the glue let up and a small piece of me broke. She called me the bully. I was disparaging. I didn’t even realize. Her only recourse - silence. I was the bully? I wanted to talk it out.
Like a vase kept together with Elmer's, I could have broke then but instead, I waited. I was slightly bruised from a little playground rough housing. Today, Tonight I think the glue let up and a small piece of me broke. She called me the bully. I was disparaging. I didn’t even realize. Her only recourse - silence. I was the bully? I wanted to talk it out.
Maybe its because my expectations were too
high. They always say if you don't have expectations then no one can fall short.
I don't know. I guess I was just expecting something. Maybe a hot glue gun. And if not that - at least a warning sign. But whatever. It doesn't
really matter. This weekend has thrown me off course. A fragile ship in a seemingly endless storm. Maybe mom’s
right. Maybe the ship is too wrecked to salvage. But I’d like to believe
otherwise. That we will be able to see the sun eventually and not allow the ship to sink. It sounds like
a marriage or something but I believe that friendships are the buoys in the tumultuous
adventure of life. I don't know. maybe I build stuff up too much. But maybe my
feelings are warranted…
For a reason? A season? A lifetime? Only time
will tell…
I really like how you write in prose -- there's a really natural voice here that's hard to pull off, and comes out especially strong in this kind of an anecdote about the drama and tension of teenage friendships. The opening "Today, she broke me" is intriguing and pulls me in. And I like the way the ambiguity is kept up with the metaphores "It wasn't all at once, like a muscle atrophying over time. (didn't really get this -- isn't a muscle slowly atrophying over time not all at once? If they were meant separately maybe put a period in the middle instead of a comma.)
ReplyDelete"She had inserted a needle and was slowly draining my blood" the graphicness of that is a shocking way to talk about friendship. I think you should keep those kinds of images up throughout the poem, after this it kind of unraveled into more of a journal entry. The speaker continues to use sharp images like
"like a thousand bee stings are ok"
"icy silence"
"bruised from a little playground rough housing"
But I want more! If you roughen up the rest of the reflection to take us to the same kinds of places as the opening, it may read more cohesively. At the same time, I don't want to lose the authenticity of these self reflections, though there is a lot of telling going on that might be more powerfully shown. This is a weird idea, but maybe make this girl in conversation with the bad friend? And the speaker talks with her natural voice while the bad friend's side is depicted as a monster, etc? Or just alternating tones in general?
Like maybe:
"Today, she broke me.
It started on Friday. But that was ok. Like a thousand bee stings are ok. But it was important for me to hear and important for me to know and to process.
Like a muscle slowly atrophying over time. She had inserted a needle and was draining my blood.
I had realized something was up.
...
etc.
Just a thought :)
I like the direction here!
I really enjoyed this poem! I love how you wrote it in prose, it makes it flow like a diary entry. But some of the metaphors pulled me away from the diary feel. I can't imagine someone writing "That we will be able to see the forest for the trees." in their diary. but i do like the stream of consciousness style here. it makes the poem more relatable.
ReplyDeleteYay!
ReplyDeleteI love when poems start with lines that grab you from the start. So THANK YOU! This line really made me excited to read on.
You also do a beautifull job of mixing in short lines with long lines. As this is a prose poem, I think thats very important You don’t let it get boring at all and thats awesome.
This line was very funny: “But that was ok. Like a thousand bee stings are ok.” Because bee stings are NEVER ok. Let alone 1000 of them. Very funny.
I love the poetic lines mixed with the internal thoughts. I think lines like “ I don’t know,” while simple, are so important for a piece like this, which seam to be a sort of stream of consciousness.
“They always say if you don't have expectations then no one can dash them.” - I don’t like the word dash here. It seems out of place.
“This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster.” - A little bit of a cliche here.
“I believe that friendships are the buoys in the tumultuous ocean of life.” I like this line a lot. But I’d get rid of the world tumultuous. The sea is crazy scary without that word (at least to me)
Again, great job.
I like the variation of prose going on here....
ReplyDeleteVery strong opening that lures the reader in
to be honest, I didn't quite understand what was going on just from reading it once, had to read it a few times. Many layers and depth to them poem which is nice, but can also be confusing at first glance.
"Her commitments to me. "- is there a reason that "Her" is capitalized?
What is the connection between these lines? " But that was ok. Like a thousand bee stings are ok." Didn't understand.
Love the Elmer's reference. Reminds me of childhood, which I surmise is the goal here.
This sounds awk to me - "I could have broke then but instead, I waited" - what are you trying to say here ?
I like how you made several glue mentions throughout the poem and didn't just mention it once and forget about it.
Great job!